Vivian

I got an I phone and named her vivian. Today on my way into town I was playing w Vivian and tripped over the curb and broke my flip flop. I hope someone saw it and i hope it made their day. Together Vivian and I are dangerous. I think this is a sign of things to come.

Back to reality.

I am back to Burlington, back to work, and back to reality. Is it good to be back? Well, yes and no.

Sometimes I fall asleep thinking I can hear a blueback swinging from a tree, or a jackal crying at the moon, but I remember I am not in the African bush, I am on the corner of a very busy American street and those noises are drunk college students and suby's with the snow tires left on.

Showering bug free is a beautiful thing, especially not having to worry about any dirty water getting in your mouth, but a clean shower could never be as satisfying as the moment that day when we released the dam and watched the water pour down the trench we had just dug, to the filtration system allowing us to have shower water for the next few days. The same water that the reserve is going to donate to the townspeople because their dam has already emptied, and the rain is not seeming to fall.

I don't miss being hungry. The monkey's would eat all our food, every day. And we would have to wait for someone to drive our dinner over from the Lodge. They honked there horn at the top of the hill and we would run up like starving little children.

I love my friends and missed them so much. Since i have been back I have had a chance to hang out with most of them. I leae for a month and everyone is messing around with different people... whoa. I even got to hang out with my new best friend ALL last weekend!

I spent a lot of time in a complete state of terror while i was in africa. Whether it was driving around the lion enclosure during a lion brawl, being face to face with the biggest littlest mouse in the word, swimming with sharks while my feet were going through the cage, having to kick lion cubs in the face so they'd stop trying to eat me, walking through down town Capetown at night while the townies were making kissing noises at me rubbing themselves, not knowing what to do after losing a whole lot of money, one handed quad biking, wasp in my pants and having to take my pants off in front of everyone, and the list could go on and on.

So far back in this American world the scariest thing that has happened is almost getting punched in the face by a guy i had to cut off at the bar. That and the new gladiator trend that is taking over church street. So like.... does everyone want to fight everyone now?

So, all in all, I had a great trip. I challenged myself to the extreme and traveled two whole days to a different continent by myself to explore what life would be like living in Africa on a Private Game Reserve. I learned many things about myself along the way, and that i am capable of doing just about anything i want, whether its digging a trench under the african sun, catching a wild horse, riding an elephant, or swimming with great white sharks.

I always say that You can't build a reputation on what you are Going to do. Or in order to do something good, you have to do SOMETHING.

Well... I said I was going to do it, I did it. So there.


The question now is, what am i going to do next? And, whose coming with me?

I survived the Great White Shark.

And the French Canadian devil.

From all these years working in the restaurant business, I have become an expert on reading people.
By reading a person's body language and their style of conversation (or in some cases, lack thereof), you can adjust your own personal style to match theirs, in an attempt to have the most efficient verbal exchange possible. You can do this by thinking of yourself as a mirror. A small broken unlucky mirror.

Simply stated... youre nice to me; i am nice to you. you joke with me; i joke with you. youre a bitch to me; you better watch out while i get out my flying monkeys.

(wyman i feel bad for my semicolon key, because it doesnt get a whole lot of attention. so forgive me if i drop a few incorrect SC's. i am replenishing an ego here)

It all started at the continental breakfast at 730am. I had just driven two hours in a crowded van with a shoeless and smelly obese man. The road trip had only begun two hours after my last shot and a beer. I replayed vomit exploding from my mouth, and covering the fat dudes feet, like that would have made the two scents cancel out.

I put my stuff, ie bag, towel, and sunglasses on an open table in the dining room and got in line to get coffee. I glance back at my stuff, something every solo tourist does at least one million times a day, and its not on the table i put it on, but in some random lady's hands. She dragged my towel and dropped my sunglasses, and I am not sure if anyone noticed, but my sunglasses are smoking hot. To make matters worse, she tosses my stuff like a bag of trash in the corner of the dining room. Oh, and did I mention that every single other table in the dining room was open? This really grinds my gears.

Ok, so she is just one of THOSE ladies. (the ones you cant take anywhere, or murder) I feel bad for her husband. I get my stuff and take another table. No big deal. I am going to swim with sharks today, and i have always wanted to do that.

I drink my coffee and get in line for the buffet.

Guess who comes up behind me, doin' 50 in a 25, the Frog. She's a line creeper ( you know, those people that stand behind you in line and rub all up on you, standing SUPER close to you, thinking for some damn reason that that one inch will get them closer to the head of the line) , and a loud talker ( just a reminder, she is French Canadian, therefore is speaking really loud French). Two of my biggest pet peeves, line creepers, and anything involving France (except Goose).

Then she said, "jablahblahji do... American" and laughs hysterically. Not that i think she is talking about me, but after bitch moved my shit, knocked my elbow eighty five times, JAWAWAH'd French like a speakerphone in my ear, and all before 8am, I was beginning to lose it. I read her like a book and summons my inner witch.

I moved slower. And mentally noted the lack of mayo, and laughed at her kind in my head.

After breakfast, I waited in line for the bathroom. She sneak attacked me and somehow got behind me in line. My turn came, I went in, did my thing (number 1), bout to zipper my pants, and hear a knock at the door. Obvi, i say i will be right out.

I go to wash my hands. As i am drying them, I hear another knock (over the sound of the hand dryer). SERIOUSLY? what are you? five?

I swing open the door to the Frog tapping her foot. I asked her, "did you just knock on the door.... twice?" She looked at me with the, "so what if i did" look and didn't say anything.

I walk right back into the bathroom, closed the lid on the toilet, and sit there for the next ten minutes hoping Frog pees herself in front of all of her country club friends. Yes, I am five. You have a problem with that?

When i opened the door ten minutes later, she was gone. Victory.

I'd tell you about the sharks, but as soon as I got into the water, I just started to melt.